July 9, 2022

I honestly don't know. I woke up today--not feeling any different. Everything is the same except some number counting the number of times I spin around the sun. I kind of just feel sad, maybe that's not the right way to put it. I kind of just feel aimless and sad.

Looking back at the past few birthdays, I always find a way to make them miserable. And I told myself that this was not going to be one of those years. Yet somehow, it sort of just feels like the stars are aligning so that it does end up like that. I haven't seen anyone this morning. I got a few text here and there. I don't know what it is that I'm missing. Maybe it's the fact that devos have been slacking. Maybe it's because Lillian's dad passed away. Maybe it's because Mom and Hoan are away, Lam has covid, and Katie has work. Or maybe it's that birthdays are more special for others than they are for the person themself.

Anyway, I wanted to say one thing. That in an attempt of putting it all together while laying on the floor of my living room in a seemingly empty home. I realize maybe birthdays are a combination. A random combination each and every year. Like how when you go to a McDonalds mix a drink. Sure, it'll taste similar but the flavor will never be exactly the same. That's sort of just how I feel. A mix of sadness and happiness in unequal amounts. Yes.

I just wish to one day really wake up.

That is all.