No Shame, All In

The other day I was reminded of a few things. Some by a podcast, some by an archived Medium post, and some by a friend. I learned a few things about the way I value friends––or lack thereof.

I get so selfish when it comes to friends. Never wanting to give more than I get in fear of being used or undervalued. It seems like what I really want is friendship with a mirror. Only getting what I give, and exactly what I give. It makes friendship seem more like a challenge than a blessing. Perhaps a lot of it is due to my previous friendships seemingly fizzling into aquaintanceship.

But here I am. Reflecting. And realizing that's not what it's has to be––what it's supposed to be. After talking to Dorothy the other night and reading an experimental letter I wrote to her in my old Medium post, I realized something. In a letter where I blantantly speak of the ways I value her and appreciate her and support, I wrote it somewhere she would never find it. Almost like writing a thought in my head that I ushered away from my mouth. Except, it did come out. Randomly, we just read it and I didn't even know that's exactly how I felt.

I guess it just goes to show that I really want to. I really want to tell the people that I love how much I value them. Except I'm so scared. I'm shameful. I'm embarassed. I'm vulnerable if I do it. If I tell you how I really feel, I go into the unknown. But that's the beauty of it all. Because in taking that step of bravery, I venture into a world where love is what it's supposed to be. Raw. Vulnerable. Real.

I guess what I wanted to say was this. I want to love. I want to love with no shame. All in.